Enraged by a Quizno's Commercial

Has it really come to this?

I am being driven into a rage by a Quizno's commercial that has been playing on TNT and USA with the frenetic frequency usually reserved only for presidential campaigns and monster truck rallies.

It is the commercial for Quizno's new prime rib sandwich. It sounds innocuous enough, even appetizing for one of an edacious nature, such as myself. Unfortunately, it follows to its inevitable conclusion, which is a woman, holding a sandwich, UPSIDE DOWN, saying, "It's not lackin' any meat. And that's what real women need."

As if the offense to the sandwich wasn't enough, and the ridiculous delivery of completely trite innuendo regarding said sandwich, she follows all of this up with a truly horrific laugh. I have probably seen the commercial at least 40 times in the last two weeks, no exaggeration for storytelling effect, and every single time, that laugh makes me want to drive a spike through her forehead. Maybe through her throat, so she couldn't make that noise any more.

Anyone stupid enough to take a bite out of the wrong end of a sandwich certainly shouldn't be recorded extolling its virtues, especially if the nature of the discussion is unscripted.

Since I can't vent my rage on the instigator and her hideous, enraging bray, my only other recourse is to hurl a brick through the window of the closest Quizno's.

Tragically, this will probably remain an unfulfilled fantasy. Simply thinking about getting dressed, going to Lowe's, buying a brick, coming home, going online, finding a Quizno's, getting in the car, driving to the Quizno's and hurling the brick seems like an awful lot of work.

I knew my indolence was innate, but I never imagined it would keep me out of jail.